The Ocean Maker

This is my blog post about The ocean maker so can I please have some feedback?

This is the process I went throw.
So first I had to watch the video, here is the video if you want to watch it.(click here)

Second my class and I had to brain storm about the video make a plan, here is the picture.
Third I had to make a plan, here is the picture.
Fourth I had to make the storey on my computer, here is the storey if you want to read it.

The Ocean maker

In the boiling hot desert that used to be a ocean There were ship wrecked sail boats, aircraft carriers and submarines. There was also a lighthouse that was on a pile of rocks, that used to be a tiny piece of island to fit the lighthouse on it. So I went for a search for the rain maker in my very old bi-plane.

So I took off in it and flew around the desert for a rain maker to fill the the desert up with water So that there was an ocean again.

I was also trying to find out how all the water just disappeared like that.

After 30 mins of searching two of the engines failed and the other two were too old to keep the plane in the air so it was heading right into the side of a rocky mountain

Then the plane exploded on the mountain and I died.

Fifth I had to get a buddy to give me feedback, here is the feedback sheet, now I need you to give me feedback!

Name     Saxon                                                                 Peer Marker: isaac w

Success Criteria - Narrative
Features of Text	Student	Peer
I have included a beginning, middle and an end.
I have created a setting by showing with my words or using who, what, when & where.
I have included a problem & solved it (or created good tension)
I have written a satisfying ending.
I have written in either 1st person or 3rd person.
I have used descriptive language throughout  (sets of 3, alliteration, similes, personification, metaphors) and provided detail to my story.
I have used a range sequencing connectives. (time words or phrases)
My Personal Target/s:

What I think I did well: I used paragraphs What my partner thinks I’ve done well: he did a lot of paragraphs. What I think I need to improve next time: using more Ispace What my partner thinks I need to improve next time: same more ispace.